Jack of Hearts (and Other Parts) (could be worse)

I'm not going to write a review for this book because I wrote one here. Instead I want to focus on a passage that I liked a lot and made me want to write about. But before that, Jack of Hearts (and Other Parts) by L. C. Rosen is a fantastic read, it might be one of the best books I read this year, it has everything and a little bit more. It is very well written, it offers some very good lessons and it is interesting, mysterious and touching.

About the passage I mentioned and that I'm going to copy/paste here, I would like to specify the page it is on too, but on ebooks apparently there are no pages, only percentages, so I'm only going to specify the chapter.

“I’m not allowed to say ‘could be worse.’” It’s a rule she came up with toward the end of freshman year. She says I say it too much. I use it to minimize when people do bad things to me. She came up with the rule when Tom Krall blocked me from going into the boys’ bathroom and called me a faggot. I just used another bathroom one floor down. Jenna wanted to know why I didn’t push through, why I didn’t seem angry like she was. I told her because it could be worse. And she said, “That might be true, but that doesn’t mean it’s not bad. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to stop it from being bad.” Since then, I’m not supposed to say it. Out loud, anyway.

[ch. 12]       

We've all heard this phrase "could be worse" and it kinda pisses me off along with other phrases that I want to write about at some point. Some people use this phrase to console themselves, to shed a bit of light or hope to their current situation, to make things seem easier. Other people use this phrase to try and console someone else, to make them feel... I'm not sure what, to make them feel like things can get worse, and I don't get how that helps anyone, but people would say all kinds of things when trying to be kind, but don't stop and think at what kind of an impact words can have. What this phrase actually does is invalidate what someone is going through, diminish their experience, make them feel like they are complaining without a good reason.

What's actually worse is that by using this phrase people accept what is happening, they accept the bad things, they accept whatever injustice they go through. Being so widely used, the majority of people accepts it as it is without a second thought, without analysing and understanding it. Yes, things can be worse, it happens, but we shouldn't diminish our experience by thinking there are worse things that can happen. It's not helping anyone. By using this phrase people basically justify whatever happens at the moment, they make it seem small in comparison to whatever they consider to be worse.

 "could be worse" is always negative 

To give an example, we'll take Jake, the protagonist of the novel, and his situation. Jake received a love letter, and then another and another. And these letters turned into creepy really fast. He copes with this by chanting "could be worse". This aids his stalker, it makes Jake submit to his stalker's will and as a result see no way out. Jake convinced himself that things weren't as bad as they were and lost his will to fight it.

Another example would be someone suffering from an illness, from an injury or mental problem. This person, let's call them Alex, would be understandably in distress, worried for their own well being, and then someone comes to them and says this phrase, tells them that it "could be worse". Alex would feel devastated, wouldn't they? Someone just took something that was actively tormenting them and reduced it to nothing, it invalidated their condition and made them feel like they have no right to feel what they are rightfully feeling. This person probably had the best of intention, and yet, they did more damage than they would ever know.

There are so many more other instances when we thoughtlessly throw away "could be worse" left and right without even imagining the damage we could do.

 what we learned 

01. "could be worse" makes your current situation seem like it's not that bad and makes you feel like you don't have to fight it when in reality it is extremely damaging to you;

02. "could be worse" invalidates a person's experience and feelings. It's not for someone else to decide when something is not bad enough, it's the person in question who gets to decide what they feel and to what degree. Our job is to listen and support them, not invalidate them.

 what can we do instead 

Now it's time we erase this phrase from our vocabulary, no matter who it is directed to or in what circumstances. Things get bad, they always do, but they can also be good, they could be great and if we keep telling ourselves and to others that they are not that bad, all we do is cultivate more unhappiness, diminishing self worth and invalidating people. What we need to do is show support and help people overcome whatever it is that's clouding them.

Discuss the situation, see why it is bad and look for ways to make it better. Support people going through a difficult period, help them. Instead of saying "could be worse" and turning your back (being it on yourself or someone else) giving yourself a pat for 'contributing', ask how you can help make it better, talk about it, offer your support. Don't indulge into the situation, change it.