Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Diary of B. High school.

[photography by Barry Zhou]

Following my dear diary post, that I might or might have not forgotten about, my next diary entry is about high school. High school was certainly a time for me to grow up, to learn more about myself, and to shape myself into what I am today. In my initial post I was saying that I don't know how to define high school, that I can only state a few things that I learned along the way. Now that there is some distance between me then and me know, I can actually define it. 

High school, for me, was a time when I only started to learn about myself, when I only started to actually gain some sort of shape. I was still far from me now, but it was an important step in my journey. I can't say I am thinking fondly about it, and I can't say I miss it. It is what it is. 

I was always the quiet kid, and that held true throughout high school. I was never the type of person to speak up, I didn't make friends easily and, really thinking about it, I don't think my colleagues liked me. I had an emo phase, I was the only one not showing interest in fashion, I didn't share any interest with my colleagues, I generally kept to myself, I was genuinely clueless and not as willing as the rest of my colleagues to skip classes—which I think was the main reason for them disliking me; although I was all in by, I don't know, say, the third time there were talks of skipping classes, I was stuck with their dislike. I don't feel like I was given a chance after that, I had a label of some sorts. 

After the end of high school, I somehow ended up for part of a train ride to college with one of my former colleagues with whom I didn't really talk during school, and I remember thinking then, as we shared the train cabin and made small talk, that we could have been friends. I don't think my only two actual friends from then really liked me either, we drifted away really quick, even then. 

Huh, I was not expecting to realise these things now. It feels weird. 

Well, anyway. 

We were predominantly a girls classroom and there were a lot of fights going on. I remember at some point our classroom was divided into three groups. The two more vocal girls who were good friends eventually fell out so two groups formed. The third group was the rest of us who wanted nothing to do with the drama and didn't give care about their made up issues. However, I never thought about my colleagues, any of them, as being bad people. I think it was all just part of us growing up. I do keep a bit of a grudge on two of them, though, for making fun of my interests in a mocking way. 

It's weird how my views changed from when I first wrote about it to now. At that time I was looking at my high school time in a happy light, but now that I put things into perspective, I was wrong. I did get along with most of my colleagues, but it was nothing I can value now. We had superficial interactions, and most of the time I was there only thanks to one of my friends that was actually friends with the others, that the others actually liked. I remember noticing her drifting away from me and for a while I wanted her to be my friend again, but ultimately I let go. I guess at some point I realised we just can't be friends anymore, simply because we grew up in different kinds of people, and instead of trying to cling to it and make her miserable in the process, I just let the friendship dissolve. We didn't keep in touch after high school and it took me until now to realise why. 

We did go out sometimes, all of us, after classes. We were accompanied by our homeroom teacher most of the times otherwise I don't think that would have been possible, and I can't say I remember much of what we talked about then. I was so quiet, I don't think I ever actually took part in the conversations so eh, I guess not much to remember about. I do remember one colleague being a general menace, but that was also because he wanted to get closer to my friend. 

Damn, I really was just a... blob there. Wow! 

Speaking of teachers, I think that was the most fun part. I liked most of them. Our homeroom teacher was great, and most of the teachers were fun to be around. I can think of only about two or three I didn't particularly like, but two of those didn't stick around for long anyway. For the most part the classes were great, either because the teachers were fun or because they sucked and we made light of the situation. Maybe we were sometimes mean, but I don't think we ever took it too far. 

This post has been enlightening in a way I was not expecting. The tone sure is different from last time I wrote about it and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole experience now. If anything I think I wish I would have been more outgoing, but at the same time I don't know if I could have gotten rid of that label. I remember that after a parents meeting I was accused of saying some things I did not say and I think someone came forward and said that another parent misunderstood what was discussed, but that didn't help me in any way. 

I was just... The quiet kid. 

Well, it's all done now. I do have good things to take out of it, so at least there's that, but I still would have liked to make some more meaningful connections. 

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